Become Your Own Best Friend - You’re stuck with that Motherfucker forever.
Are you best friends with yourself?
I know, it might sound a little narcissistic, thinking that you are the coolest person in the world.
Your #1 friend. BFF. Your Broski.
But, you should be.
If you aren’t - it’s time to work on repairing that friendship.
Why?
Because you are stuck with that motherfucker for life.
He or she is the only person that will be by your side from the cradle to the grave.
Everyone else in your short life will pass on. As will you.
But, for the time that you have been allotted on this earth, this is who you are stuck with.
So you best learn how to enjoy their company.
How I became best friends with myself.
In June 2023, I set out on one of the most challenging adventures I have ever done.
Over the course of 10 days, I hiked 220km of The Fisherman’s Trail on Portugal’s incredible Algarve Coast.
It was one of the hardest mental and physical tasks I have ever done.
Me and my alter ego
Why?
It doesn’t sound that bad right?
Walk 22 km a day along the cliffs, look out over the Atlantic, camp under the stars, and soak up the summer sun.
In fact, It wasn’t bad at all. It was a magical and transformative experience.
But it was a mental and physical struggle.
Let me explain.
The physical challenge was that 70% of this hike was on soft sand in 27°C+ heat. And I had 20kgs on my back - tent, mattress, sleeping bag, and food.
I thrived in this physical challenge. My body needed something like this after months of being hunched over my laptop screen.
Some nights, I found some campsites, and other nights I camped alone on private beaches, with just a mattress and my sleeping bag.
The unobstructed cosmos was my roof. I watched the stars occasionally detach themselves from the night sky and fall towards me. I heard the waves crashing against the coast all night, rocked to sleep by their soothing lullaby.
Despite the blisters, I loved the physical challenge.
It was the mental challenge that pushed me to the brink.
One thing I didn’t realize before heading along the Fisherman’s trail was how much alone time I would have.
I walked for 5+ hours a day - alone.
I hung out at beaches - alone.
I camped out in my tent each night - alone.
That is too much time to spend alone with anyone, let alone the bastard that knows you best.
The head noise that the chatty bastard inside my skull created made me feel like I was front left in a mosh pit at a festival.
He wouldn’t shut up.
He rapped into the microphone of my mind. Accusing me of all the fuck ups in my life, all the regrets I hold on to. He reminded me of all the times when I felt worthless and failed.
He spat verse after verse like Eminem in Rap God, and I listened to it all.
I couldn’t avoid it.
The noise-cancelling headphones were on full volume and there was no turning it off.
So, I let him talk. I tried to understand his point of view. I validated him and listened to what he was saying.
He wanted attention, he wanted to be seen…
And all of this made me realize how horribly I speak to myself in the confines of my own mind.
So, I asked the question:
Would I speak to my best friend the way I speak to myself?
I sure as fuck hope not.
I could never do that.
This person was tearing me to bits and turning me into a worthless piece of shit.
These are things I could never say aloud to anyone, let alone to someone I care about.
I knew I had to change that - lucky for me, I had endless days of isolation to start to retrain the way I speak to myself.
How I learned to be more compassionate to myself.
I listened to a podcast with Rich Roll.
During the talk, his guest - Peter Attia - talks about one of the most important realizations he ever had in his life.
He was at PCS (Psychology Counseling Services) and became aware of what his inner monologue sounded like.
He was horrified by how his inner voice would speak to him.
He would get angry and disappointed and yell at himself for any small mistake. His inner voice would threaten to strangle him.
What he learned:
Peter stated that: “Every single day, two or three times at least, something will prompt you to scream at yourself.”
He encourages you to take out your phone and record a message. But when you speak, imagine you are looking into the eyes of your best friend and pretend it was them that made the mistake.
What would you say to your best friend?
For example, it could be something as simple as:
“Hey You. I know, it’s frustrating. You didn’t have a good morning today, you slacked off a bit. But, you know, I think there’s a lot on your mind today, so be gentle on yourself.”
or you could even try it with a Kiwi accent.
“Maaate! I know ya beating yaself up for not getting enough shit done. I know ya tryin’ ta make money, build a brand, and be a good mate. But everyone has down days, days that feel like an absolute cunt. So be a bloody legend and give yaself some credit.”
Who is the person you need to become friends with?
To become your best friend, it helps to understand the person you are dealing with.
Yes, Im talking about the voice inside your head.
It is an evil force that knows your exact weaknesses.
It knows how to make you suffer.
It is an enemy that we face daily.
And it’s a master in causing unnecessary unhappiness and deceiving you into believing its way of thinking.
Don't Like Him? Change.
If the inner voice in your head is more of an asshole than a mate, it's time for an overhaul.
Hey, the good news is that we've all got the power to change.
Here are a few simple strategies to change your inner dialogue - yes dialogue not monologue, because it feels like there is more than one person sitting in your skull sometimes.
Journaling
I journal daily and it has been one of the most powerful practices I have ever found in understanding the true core of your mind and formulating your thoughts to understand them better.
So, here’s how you become best friends with the person in your head….
Write the bastard a letter, and spill it all out.
Say things like:
"I've had it with your shit, I need you to stop bringing me down."
Or even,
"I'm on your team, mate. Let's sort this out."
Then just write freely, don’t judge as you write, just pour it all out on the page. When you’re done, read back over it and see if you understand yourself just a little better.
Understand that it is the Ego
The ego loves to make you suffer.
It seems like that’s his main job.
But, know that whenever you are suffering in your mind - you are living a mind story, created by the ego.
You are addicted and attached to that story.
It takes a level of self-awareness to notice when you are attached.
But the moment you do notice, you give yourself a break from the suffering. Because you see it for what it is - a story to make you suffer.
The ego is a master storyteller - he crafts fictional tales that he knows will trigger you.
He takes snippers of information and memories from your experience then puts them together into a new make-believe world that is created inside your head.
Observe and notice the story that you are telling yourself. This is how you begin to change it.
Talk to Yourself
Before you say, “Oh someone needs to lock Web up and put him in an asylum, he's lost the plot.”
Just hear me out.
Talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy.
On the contrary, it’s a fantastic way to become your own best mate.
You get to know him better, joke with him, making him feel seen and heard. best of all, you articulate the sometimes confusing thoughts that rattle through your brain tissue.
Tell Him to Fuck Off
Don't be afraid to throw in a 'fuck off' when that voice in your head starts to get too cocky or condescending.
I can hear your thoughts through the screen: "WTF, you’re telling me to cuss out my own consciousness?"
Understand this, it's just thoughts.
We've all got a ton of those fuckers running around, but they're not us, and we don't need to hang on to them.
Letting go isn't easy, in fact, it’s fucking painful. But it's possible, and man, it feels good when you finally do.
I’m Not Saying Ditch All Your Actual Friends.
God, no.
That would be as useful as wiping your ass with wet toilet paper.
We're humans, right?
We need connection.
Like ants and bees and wolves and our ancestors before us, we evolved to thrive in tribes.
If you were exiled back in the caveman days, it was game over.
No wonder loneliness feels like a punch in the gut.
We’re hardwired to avoid it.
But, here's the deal.
When you are your own best friend, you become a better friend to others.
When you love yourself, you're able to love others more deeply.
When you're kind to yourself, you can show up in the world with kindness.
When you've wrestled with the rowdy bastard in your head, and come out as mates, you become more confident, less anxious. You show up at parties and you're not thinking, "Do they like me?" but rather, "Man, I'm fucking awesome, and so is everyone else here.”
So, grab a journal, write a letter to that rascal in your head, speak kindly to him and you’ll have a new best mate in no time.
Go on, you magnificent bastard. You've got this.
